I deny the very existence of creation because God does not love me.

We were not born bad, but it may seem as if we were. We may have constantly heard that we were destructive or extra secretive or took too much pleasure in others’ hardships or pain. It doesn’t mean we saw ourselves as bad or mean, rather, we just couldn’t help being this way, which seemed very different from those around us.

As a way to correct what we may have been told was a social or personality defect, we may gravitate toward idolizing or worshipping celebrities or historical figures we believe mirror our own ideals. And we have a lot of them because based on our own views, we truly know and believe in right and wrong. How we view ourselves shapes our view of black or white, and helps us compensate for the way in which we feel split on the inside.

It is no one’s fault we ended up this way. Trauma, parental neglect, abuse, and abandonment are all possible factors that would contribute to our diminished light and the resulting shame.

I Am Not Good Enough drives us to source a sense of power and purpose through others we believe represent our value system. It may be through religion or other social channels where we may derive some solace from what is otherwise an isolating theme. Holding our lives together in spite of the split or division that we experience within, knowing that we are “good” while experiencing an inherent sense of “wrong or bad” keeps us in our own purgatory, unable to experience the sweetness of life and the potential of our being. Rather we loop through our stories with a tinge of shame, regret, anger, bitterness, disappointment, frustration and rage, never really knowing what will set us off from one day to the next. 

And because we have yet to allow ourselves into full being, and accepting ourselves for who we are, without judgment or labels, we can never be fully here nor there.