Sucker Punched by the Retrograde

I have always been a bit of an astrology fan. Whilst half of my brain wanted to palm it off as a self-fulfilling prophecy and a bit of crap, the other half was mesmerized by how accurate it could be when showing what is, was and could be going on. As a result I straddled the two worlds: teaching myself to read a natal chart whilst also wondering if this was the start to a slippery slope of waving sage in everyone’s faces, using platitudes to explain painful moments and wearing a pink witches hat.

I have also spent the past two years in a slightly different environment as well. Locked in a utility room with an incredibly gifted spiritual healer slash work-wife-bestie (who can channel weirdly accurate information from some unknown source), I have recorded a podcast and learnt more about myself and the universe than I ever thought possible. Because it is all possible.

I could go on and explain this is in more detail, but that would take a book (I should know we wrote one) but I will say this. All the concepts that we have been taught since we were children that separate right from wrong, have essentially separated us from within as well. They have blocked our own barometer to follow our hearts, they have stopped us from creating the life that we desire and they have kept us prisoner in the court of public and private opinion.

The prison itself is made up of our fears and the keys that keep us locked in are shame and judgment. As a result, the more we work on seeing our shame and judgment and the more we challenge the fears that they pinpoint to, the freer we can become. And once we are free we can finally see that the power was always inside, the wisdom was always meant to be unconventional and each one of us was always good enough to create the lives we always wanted.

And it really worked. I had more experiences than I ever thought possible, I was genuinely happier and life was starting to finally make sense… even the shitty parts. I followed the feeling, knowing the only thing that was holding me back from creating and then living in that great new world was my belief that it didn’t exist.

Sounds simple right?

Not so much. In reality, fighting fears is a bitch. It’s hard, it’s frustrating and it’s a battle to the death: either your fears and ego die or your authenticity can instead. And just when you think you are close to the end, another one pops up. Or more accurately, the core of all your fears tries to take you down. And that fight isn’t about survival anymore; it’s the final hurdle to ultimate potential.

I cockily thought that the mercury retrograde wouldn’t affect me. I thought that maybe I would revisit a bit of my crap, but as long as I didn’t make any big decisions or send out any important messages, I could hedge my bets enough that it could be smooth sailing. In fact, I was so sure of this that I blithely told everyone that mercury retrograde was just a “spiritually constructed idea that was pretty much bollocks’.

Oops.

It started as a bit of melancholy that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Every now and again I would have an undeniable craving for a hug, or a dip in my heart that would catch me unaware. I would be more sensitive and make things that were never about me, all about me, only to check myself and then return to my inner neutrality. But then my old patterns started creeping in and my world got smaller. Even though nothing externally had changed, my internal understanding of them became painful, I would see issues where there weren’t, I would try to manipulate things that were not in my control and I started second guessing everything. Until, a mere three days before the retrograde ended, everything fell apart.

For those who were secretly wondering (and its okay I was wondering too), it was not a bad case of PMS. I wish. That would have been simpler. It was a total and utter destruction in the faith I had in myself and the trust that I had found in everything else. It had been starting to chip from the start of the retrograde but when it properly broke in, I was bereft. On one side, I couldn’t trust myself and I couldn’t have faith in what I was starting to believe in (but on some level had always known) and on the other, I didn’t want to go back to the girl who had shut her heart off in order to survive. Essentially, both sides of the coin were the same issue – I didn’t want to be alone with only my mind to keep me company. Or to put it more accurately, I didn’t want to be disconnected.

The retrograde was showing me my core fear and highlighting how every other fear linked back to it – so to vanquish the little voice inside I had to walk through the flames that were threatening to burn me down. But it was also showing me that my fear of disconnection was actually what was keeping me disconnected. By perpetually straddling two worlds, the one where magic existed and the one where it didn’t, I was hedging my bets and without realizing it, I was ensuring that the constant connection I craved would always elude me.

It is a strange thing, to want so badly to be connected to something but at the same time not trust that exists enough to whole-heartedly choose it. To inch closer to it and then back off when it turns out it requires some work. To look for external reasons as to why it is working instead of seeing your own inner slightly growing peace. To work towards the carrot of a dream life that stays great, instead of working towards the concept that you will be okay no matter what happens to you.

And to believe in your own power but be willing to compromise it when things don’t quite seem to be going your way.

But that was exactly what I had been doing. Because the point was never that everything is utterly perfect all the time. The point was that no matter what happens, you know you are utterly perfect and time is just the construct that is telling you otherwise.

I sat in the fear. I felt that grief and shame in every fiber of my being and I felt choked by the sadness that it wanted me to avoid. Instead of trying to force myself to let it go, to turn to the other side of myself that could rationalize it, I let it be instead.

And that’s when I saw I had never been disconnected at all, because by allowing it, I had finally chosen to face it because I wanted to be free of it. I hadn't turned away from my fears, I had accepted they were a part of me. And I still loved myself enough to not run away.

I stayed there for as long as it took for it to start dissipating, and I survived it. Not only was it nothing to be scared of, but it was never my reality in the first place. The power to change my reality was in my heart.

And that was what the retrograde was asking me to do. To stop using my fear of disconnection from others to keep me disconnected from myself, because that would only perpetuate the fear rather than stamp it out.  To honour the magic I felt inside so that it could come out and make my world magical. To understand that even in pain I would always be better on the other side and no shoe could ever drop far enough for me to lose myself.

To fully, choose myself.

And in doing so, finally see that I was always good enough to be chosen, even in my weakest times when all my fears had seemed to have come true.