Becoming Unstuck

Two years ago I was stuck. 

I was stuck in the expectations other people had for me, I was stuck in the rules that society imposed on me and I was stuck in a cycle that left me feeling constantly disappointed. But most of all I was stuck in the fear that it shouldn’t (and couldn’t) change. And even though I tried to act like everything was okay, being that stuck really hurt. I wasn’t as happy as I knew I could be and I didn’t know why…it seemed to work for everyone else.

And then a podcast changed my life.

 Well to put it more accurately, it wasn’t the podcast itself, but the situations leading up to recording a podcast with a remarkable spiritual teacher and the lessons that I learnt as a result. But that sounds less snazzy…so I’m just going to go with the podcast.

Today, as the final episode of Season 2 of that same podcast comes out, I realized that I am genuinely a stronger, more whole and more peaceful person than I ever thought I could be. Things seem to work well and when they don’t...I don’t take them as personally. I wanted to see if I could pinpoint why. 

1. I Became Unstuck from the Construct:

Some of the most fundamental lessons I have learnt over the past two years came from unpicking conventional wisdom. I had spent enough time failing to be happy in other people’s constructs of what happiness should be and I decided it was time to try and define my own. And not only was that really hard, at times it was also really scary and painful. It’s not easy to change your life, even if that change is the most welcome thing in the whole damn world.

At first it felt lonely to choose myself, because I had never really done that before. The little voice in my head couldn’t stop asking questions: What if everyone rejected me when I started to own who I was? What would happen if I was honest about my needs and desires? What if these rules were in place because they were the ones that worked? What if I was really as powerless as I feared that I could be?  

But as I continued to unpick, I started to see that it was simply my perception of an experience or an incident that was keeping me trapped – because there was always another perspective and another reason. Everything that was happening to me, that was triggering me in some way, was highlighting an area of my life where I felt scared to choose myself, own my power or stay in my integrity. The painful things weren’t happening to punish me, they were happening so that I could choose a different path – the one that allowed me to fight through the fear and find freedom from it. If I was scared about something, in any way, I wasn’t acting as I desired: I was acting out of fear. And in doing so I was keeping that fear alive. I started to see that in every moment I was being asked to step up and choose myself, not my fears. And in doing so I could see that my fears weren’t keeping me safe, they were killing me and taking my power with them.

It was ultimately my responsibility to choose myself, no one was going to do it for me and nor could they. It was my responsibility to change my life. My fear was the only thing that was telling me that I wasn’t good enough to do so. That was why I had followed everyone else’s rules: I was too scared to create my own. But as I started to face those fears, I realized that the rules themselves were borne from fear too and by adhering to them, I was keeping that fear alive at my expense. 

2. I Became Unstuck from the Should:

But what were the rules anyway? As children, we believe that we are perfect and whole. It is our experiences and socialization that tells us otherwise: we are taught right and wrong, good and bad, black and white. We are taught that there are aspects of ourselves that are desirable, and others that we should hide away. We are taught that we need to seek approval from others to know that we are worthy, not ourselves. We are taught that the goal isn’t to be happy, we need to be successful, rich and attractive (and then we will be happy as a result). We are taught that we aren’t already all those things. 

 That separation outside causes a separation inside as well. We judge and shame others and ourselves in order to perpetuate the distinctions, leaving us stuck in what we should do, who we should be and how we should behave. And we are scared to act differently, because if we did, we are taught to believe that we will be punished.

 What. Utter. Crap.

 I had spent my whole life separated: categorizing everything that happened to me or about me, and all it was doing was keeping me limited. We are all perfect in our own ways and no matter what we do, as long as we act in line with our authenticity and integrity that will never change. No emotion is wrong, no reaction is crazy and no feeling is invalid: they are all indications of who we are, and without knowing who we are, we can never know what will bring us joy.

 I started to see that every reaction I had (before I had filtered it with my mind) was showing me something important about where I was scared. There had never been a right or wrong at all, just who I was at a specific point in time and what I needed to do in order to get closer to my own wholeness. I had been looking for validation from “the should’s” to know that I was getting life right, and I had stopped listening to myself in the process. 

But if I couldn’t honour my own feelings, how could I expect someone else to? If I couldn’t forgive myself, how could I learn to forgive? If I didn’t know who I was and I couldn’t love myself for that, how could I expect someone else to love me unconditionally too? 

And how could I do the same back? 

 3. I Became Unstuck from the Control:

I always believed that control was the antidote to fear. In fact, I prided myself on being able to assess a situation, examine all the possible outcomes and act accordingly. I would spend my time running through possible scenarios, anticipating various results and choosing a course of action that would keep my fears at bay. I thought I could control my world enough so that my fears wouldn’t find me.

I was actually doing the opposite. By choosing every action in response to a predicted reaction from someone else, I was actually making my fears a reality. By expecting someone to upset me and trying to avoid it through control, I was reinforcing that I wasn’t good enough to be treated properly in the first place. By expecting a situation would blow up if left unattended, I was ensuring that I would never know otherwise. 

Because control wasn’t the antidote to fear at all…trust was.

I hadn’t had a great relationship to trust before I started the unsticking process, I was too busy controlling everything. But once I started to see that true freedom could only be found when you could trust yourself enough to follow the feelings, knowing that everything would turn out okay, everything else unraveled with it.

 I started to see that other people could be trusted too, without my intervention. And if they couldn’t...better to know than to avoid. I started to believe that I made valuable decisions, even when they flew in the face of popular opinion, because they were mine. I started to see that it wasn’t just turning out okay, it was turning out great. Even when something hard or painful happened as a result of a trusting action, it was bearable because it had come from my truth, not someone else’s. There stopped being regrets (and I stopped having so many headaches) and instead I found myself healing something old or learning something new.

When I was stuck in control, my world was small. When I learnt to trust, not only everything became possible, it became a possibility too.

As a result of the past two years I know that I am closer to the person that I was always meant to be. I also know that I am a lot happier than I believed was possible, because for the first time I am not living under someone else’s definition of what happiness could be. And I don’t need the validation from anyone else to know that… but it’s still nice when I get it. Whether it is the friend who sees my outlook a little more expanded, a different kind of respect from those around me or simply the person who remarks on how the light in my eyes has changed, it almost doesn’t matter. Because at night, when I go to sleep, no matter what has happened that day, I know that I am one step closer to living my own purpose, in my own power, by my own rules. I am one step closer to knowing who I am and why I am here. And that it will all unfold in this magical, beautiful and joyful way.

I know that I am nowhere near being done in my growth and evolution but that’s okay. Two years ago I was stuck and now I think I am much closer to being free.